How come when I tell him I feel like I'm doing everything by myself, he counters with; "I feel like I'm doing it by myself!"???
One month into the semester and I'm already getting an F in one of my classes. My oldest is causing far too many problems for her poor step-mother to be able to endure. The house is a disaster. The dog keeps crapping on the floor. I'm beyond tired. I DON'T GET A BREAK! And he feels like he's doing it by himself?
Why do I even talk to him? I know that it will always end up being about him in the end anyway. In case you're unable to tell the difference between hurt and irritation, this rant, this vent, this speech is all driven by irritation.
Why do I feel guilty because I could really go for a little Bailey's right about now? I'll tell you why, because it's Tuesday night, I have homework (that I'm clearly not doing), I have to get up with the boys in the morning, I'm home alone with the kids and it's Tuesday night (I know I said it twice, but that's a big deal in my book).
I'm only slightly tired, no where near sleepy enough to go to bed. That won't come until about 2 or so. At that point, I will only get 5 hours of sleep. Back in the day, that was more than enough. But, now that I'm over 30, it's taxing to only get 5 hours of sleep. It's difficult to get through the day.
Anyway, did I mention that he's aware of my plans when I finish school? Oh yeah, he told me this morning. Well, not me directly, he told me by saying it to my three year old in front of me. "Mom's going to leave when she's done with school, so it will just be you and me!" He was pretending like he was playing with her. I asked him why he would tell her something like that and he said, because it's true.
I didn't feel the need to argue this point with him. He seemed to be in a somewhat good mood and I'll take that over angry any day. It really gave me an uneasy feeling. Perhaps he does read my blog. It wouldn't be outrageous for him to find it, being hosted by Google, it's obviously googlable. But I just thought that it was uninteresting to him. However, if he does, in fact, read this; how can he continue to treat me the way he does? I poor my heart and soul into this blog. I said yesterday, this is my dumping ground for all of my ickiness. I don't hold back.
Maybe he doesn't read it. Maybe he just has a gut feeling. It's possible. He is rather intuitive, which can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. It can protect against harm, but it can also give him more information than I want him to have. I suppose it's no secret that our marriage is a travesty. One of the boys asked us the other day why we don't hug each other ever. My response was that Daddy's just not the huggy kind, his response was that Mommy doesn't want to be hugged.
I guess that's the answer then, Mommy doesn't like to be hugged. After 11 years of both heartache and happiness, that's what it all boils down to. I guess...
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
The Cleansing Cry
So, I've been holding on to the idea that church, and therefore God can help my marriage. I'm not so sure that this is the case. Today is one of those days that just makes me want to burst into tears at any given moment. Not necessarily because of any one particular bad thing, just because my soul hurts.
I've been really trying to get involved with my church as I feel that being with Godly people will wear off on him and on me. I've been hoping that maybe, the right person will say the right thing to him that will click and help him see that I'm a good wife. I don't know if that will ever happen. Mind you, my church is full of wonderful people who are overflowing with knowledge and compassion. I just don't know that anyone can crack his shell; that encasement of self-righteousness and disdain and intellectual superiority that he has created.
I have to say that things haven't been too terrible lately. We've been keeping an arms length distance between ourselves. Talking about things outside of our crumbling marriage; the kids, bills, that type of thing. Nothing with any weight on our relationship. Which means there has been less fighting. But there's that underlying feeling, you know, an uneasiness that I carry with me always. Not for fear of physical harm, just the fear of having my heart crushed. Though I'm not really in love with him, I still carry a hope that it will work out. Probably not for the right reasons though. I'm holding out hope because it's easier to be married with four kids than alone with them. I would also have to face the fact that I might not be able to do it on my own with the kids, I might want him to have them. That indecisiveness is what frightens me.
It frightens me that my immediate reaction when thinking about life without him is not that of a mother who would die without her kids. Just the idea of not seeing my kids every day should fill me with horror and it doesn't. However, I think that by having my oldest live with her dad, it has allowed me to think of the other perspective, and not freak out by it. It's almost like I feel greedy about my kids. Like I could NEVER imagine waking up in the morning and not have my three year old to hold on to. But is it because I love to be showered in her love? Or is it because I love her so much? It's almost indecipherable. And that scares me!
I know that reading this blog can be draining. And I apologize for that. At first I had intended this to be a blog for other people in my predicament to read and for them to see that other people are going through the same thing. But this has turned into a toxic waste site of horrid emotions and emptiness. However, writing this gives me an outlet to pull out all of the feelings inside me that make it hard for me to breath and forget about them for a while.
We went to church tonight for a class entitled Alpha Course. Though I feel it is a wonderful course series, I think it is for people who are still on the fence about Christianity. While I thought it was informative and not a waste of time, he thought it was boring and a waste of his time. I apologized to him for that and he angrily asked me, "Why would you apologize for this?" I told him that I felt bad because I dragged him there in the first place.
I was affronted by his anger to my apology. It's like I'm always looking for the hidden meaning in everything he says. And it's when we go to church that I really see how much is missing from our marriage. I see the other husbands and wives and they really look like they care about each other. For example, whenever my pastor talks about his wife, you can feel the love he has for her just in his words. I often cry in service when he talks about her, because I've never seen two people love each other so much that it's almost overwhelming.
When I hear other husbands talk about their wives, it's apparent that they love their wives. In fact, most Christian men that I have observed, really wear their heart on their sleeves when it comes to their marriage. I know that mine is good at complementing me to others, but the words are empty. I wonder if my jaded heart forces me to hear his word this way, or if they really are just words to him. I'll never know, I guess.
He was also talking about how I should give 110% when it comes to money for the house. My instinct was defense, as it has been for a while now. He was angry that there wasn't more gas in the car after getting gas money from my mom for going to her house to help her bring her dog back. He asked if there was enough gas in the car for me to get to school tomorrow and I said that the gas I used was replaced and it contained as much in it now as it did when I left. This is when he went into how I should be trying to give the family more than just replacing what was used. Like he anticipated a full tank when I got home, why was it not full? As though I should've gotten money from my mom for helping her or something.
Then there was the fact that, after the "boring" church thing, we went home and he went to bed only to wake up for work and step in a pile of dog crap in the office. I know he doesn't like the dog, he tells me on a regular basis. He often tells me I should just get rid of it. He actually said to me that my mom was a smart lady for getting rid of her dog, why don't I just do that? He does not have an affection for animals at all. I, on the other hand, am miserable when I don't have a pet.
That just compounded the feeling that I already had in me of that uneasiness. With the upset about not having more gas, the "boring" church experience that I suggested, and the dog making a mess in the house, I know this is going to be a rough week. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm usually not.
I have a bunch of quizzes to get caught up with. The cool thing this semester is that I have daycare for my three year old. The bad thing is that if I go to school on an extra trip, I have to face his anger because I'm wasting gas. In addition to that, I know that if I'm not here at night, the boys won't get any homework done and I'm the mom therefore, I'm ultimately responsible for their success, or lack thereof.
What I really want to do is just cry. Cry until I run out of tears. But I can't because that will solidify my feeling of emptiness. It will make me feel worse and it will give me a headache that will need to be treated with Tylenol and I'm worried that I may be having some kidney health issues. But whenever I end up finally going to the doctor about anything, I feel like a fool because they can never find what's wrong with me. Regardless of my symptoms, this is almost always the case. This only creates more a rift in our relationship because it costs money to go to the doctor and there's nothing wrong.
In addition to this, I'm concerned about my boys. They are displaying many symptoms of ADHD or ADD. Both of their teachers have expressed to me that they are worried about the boys. I've been raised all my life with the idea that psychiatry is bad no matter what. Now I'm afraid that there is no other option. While I'm not willing to fully succumb to the solution of medication, I am wondering if this unexplored territory might be able to help them.
I just feel like there is no easy aspect of life right now. I'm overwhelmed with everything and there's no way out. I'm stuck in it for who knows how long. I always have to be the strong one. In every relationship I have, I'm the one to lean on. I'm the one to make you feel better. While I'm proud to be that rock for so many people, it gets exhausting sometimes. I know that that is one of my purposes, but sometimes I wish I could take a vacation. Like, I wish that just once, I could act out my initial reaction to something and not have to maintain a clear head and calm reaction in order to balance the situation.
I've been really trying to get involved with my church as I feel that being with Godly people will wear off on him and on me. I've been hoping that maybe, the right person will say the right thing to him that will click and help him see that I'm a good wife. I don't know if that will ever happen. Mind you, my church is full of wonderful people who are overflowing with knowledge and compassion. I just don't know that anyone can crack his shell; that encasement of self-righteousness and disdain and intellectual superiority that he has created.
I have to say that things haven't been too terrible lately. We've been keeping an arms length distance between ourselves. Talking about things outside of our crumbling marriage; the kids, bills, that type of thing. Nothing with any weight on our relationship. Which means there has been less fighting. But there's that underlying feeling, you know, an uneasiness that I carry with me always. Not for fear of physical harm, just the fear of having my heart crushed. Though I'm not really in love with him, I still carry a hope that it will work out. Probably not for the right reasons though. I'm holding out hope because it's easier to be married with four kids than alone with them. I would also have to face the fact that I might not be able to do it on my own with the kids, I might want him to have them. That indecisiveness is what frightens me.
It frightens me that my immediate reaction when thinking about life without him is not that of a mother who would die without her kids. Just the idea of not seeing my kids every day should fill me with horror and it doesn't. However, I think that by having my oldest live with her dad, it has allowed me to think of the other perspective, and not freak out by it. It's almost like I feel greedy about my kids. Like I could NEVER imagine waking up in the morning and not have my three year old to hold on to. But is it because I love to be showered in her love? Or is it because I love her so much? It's almost indecipherable. And that scares me!
I know that reading this blog can be draining. And I apologize for that. At first I had intended this to be a blog for other people in my predicament to read and for them to see that other people are going through the same thing. But this has turned into a toxic waste site of horrid emotions and emptiness. However, writing this gives me an outlet to pull out all of the feelings inside me that make it hard for me to breath and forget about them for a while.
We went to church tonight for a class entitled Alpha Course. Though I feel it is a wonderful course series, I think it is for people who are still on the fence about Christianity. While I thought it was informative and not a waste of time, he thought it was boring and a waste of his time. I apologized to him for that and he angrily asked me, "Why would you apologize for this?" I told him that I felt bad because I dragged him there in the first place.
I was affronted by his anger to my apology. It's like I'm always looking for the hidden meaning in everything he says. And it's when we go to church that I really see how much is missing from our marriage. I see the other husbands and wives and they really look like they care about each other. For example, whenever my pastor talks about his wife, you can feel the love he has for her just in his words. I often cry in service when he talks about her, because I've never seen two people love each other so much that it's almost overwhelming.
When I hear other husbands talk about their wives, it's apparent that they love their wives. In fact, most Christian men that I have observed, really wear their heart on their sleeves when it comes to their marriage. I know that mine is good at complementing me to others, but the words are empty. I wonder if my jaded heart forces me to hear his word this way, or if they really are just words to him. I'll never know, I guess.
He was also talking about how I should give 110% when it comes to money for the house. My instinct was defense, as it has been for a while now. He was angry that there wasn't more gas in the car after getting gas money from my mom for going to her house to help her bring her dog back. He asked if there was enough gas in the car for me to get to school tomorrow and I said that the gas I used was replaced and it contained as much in it now as it did when I left. This is when he went into how I should be trying to give the family more than just replacing what was used. Like he anticipated a full tank when I got home, why was it not full? As though I should've gotten money from my mom for helping her or something.
Then there was the fact that, after the "boring" church thing, we went home and he went to bed only to wake up for work and step in a pile of dog crap in the office. I know he doesn't like the dog, he tells me on a regular basis. He often tells me I should just get rid of it. He actually said to me that my mom was a smart lady for getting rid of her dog, why don't I just do that? He does not have an affection for animals at all. I, on the other hand, am miserable when I don't have a pet.
That just compounded the feeling that I already had in me of that uneasiness. With the upset about not having more gas, the "boring" church experience that I suggested, and the dog making a mess in the house, I know this is going to be a rough week. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm usually not.
I have a bunch of quizzes to get caught up with. The cool thing this semester is that I have daycare for my three year old. The bad thing is that if I go to school on an extra trip, I have to face his anger because I'm wasting gas. In addition to that, I know that if I'm not here at night, the boys won't get any homework done and I'm the mom therefore, I'm ultimately responsible for their success, or lack thereof.
What I really want to do is just cry. Cry until I run out of tears. But I can't because that will solidify my feeling of emptiness. It will make me feel worse and it will give me a headache that will need to be treated with Tylenol and I'm worried that I may be having some kidney health issues. But whenever I end up finally going to the doctor about anything, I feel like a fool because they can never find what's wrong with me. Regardless of my symptoms, this is almost always the case. This only creates more a rift in our relationship because it costs money to go to the doctor and there's nothing wrong.
In addition to this, I'm concerned about my boys. They are displaying many symptoms of ADHD or ADD. Both of their teachers have expressed to me that they are worried about the boys. I've been raised all my life with the idea that psychiatry is bad no matter what. Now I'm afraid that there is no other option. While I'm not willing to fully succumb to the solution of medication, I am wondering if this unexplored territory might be able to help them.
I just feel like there is no easy aspect of life right now. I'm overwhelmed with everything and there's no way out. I'm stuck in it for who knows how long. I always have to be the strong one. In every relationship I have, I'm the one to lean on. I'm the one to make you feel better. While I'm proud to be that rock for so many people, it gets exhausting sometimes. I know that that is one of my purposes, but sometimes I wish I could take a vacation. Like, I wish that just once, I could act out my initial reaction to something and not have to maintain a clear head and calm reaction in order to balance the situation.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Correction...
So I had mentioned in my previous message that he wasn't smart. This was a gross understatement. He is brilliant. He figured out the easiest way to destroy me was to beat me to the punch.
He has informed me that he will be cutting off the internet, which will subsequently cut off the phone as we have a VOIP phone. He will no longer give me any money for cigarettes, he will no longer feed me or my daughter, he will no longer feed my dog and he will no longer put gas in the car other than what is needed for him to get to work and back.
He will be effectively removing every source of any kind of happiness that I can have. No school for me, no Taryn, no dog and no way to get away for a while. I thought I was broken before, but that was nothing! I was hoping to at least finish this semester, which just started today. That's probably not going to happen now.
Of course this is all leading up to no house, no kids, no reason to live. He usually doesn't work this quickly. I have nothing prepared. The sickest part about this is that he said he's going to remove all of the things that get between me and him.
First he said that he's doing this because he's going to remove all of the things he does for me. In a previous argument, I had asked him what he has done for me, just me, not me and the kids or our house, just me. Well, now that he has thought about it, he's decided that he does plenty for me and to prove himself, he will take away all the things he does for me so that I will see.
Then he said he's going to do other things for me instead, like cook dinner for me and run bathwater for me. Can anyone else see the twisted thing he's doing to me? Am I really just crazy? To me, it seems like he's psychologically torturing me. Like he's kissing me while quietly stabbing me in the chest, telling me he loves me as he rips my heart out.
He was genuinely shocked that this whole thing upset me. It's like he was thinking, "Why is she so upset about this? This should make her happy." Like I was being indignant. I feel like I'm on a one-way train to crazy town. Have I really lost my mind? Would this make other people, mainly women, happy? It's like he and I are two aliens who don't get why the other doesn't get pleasure from the things that we get pleasure from.
I'm so totally confused. I don't even know what's right anymore.
He has informed me that he will be cutting off the internet, which will subsequently cut off the phone as we have a VOIP phone. He will no longer give me any money for cigarettes, he will no longer feed me or my daughter, he will no longer feed my dog and he will no longer put gas in the car other than what is needed for him to get to work and back.
He will be effectively removing every source of any kind of happiness that I can have. No school for me, no Taryn, no dog and no way to get away for a while. I thought I was broken before, but that was nothing! I was hoping to at least finish this semester, which just started today. That's probably not going to happen now.
Of course this is all leading up to no house, no kids, no reason to live. He usually doesn't work this quickly. I have nothing prepared. The sickest part about this is that he said he's going to remove all of the things that get between me and him.
First he said that he's doing this because he's going to remove all of the things he does for me. In a previous argument, I had asked him what he has done for me, just me, not me and the kids or our house, just me. Well, now that he has thought about it, he's decided that he does plenty for me and to prove himself, he will take away all the things he does for me so that I will see.
Then he said he's going to do other things for me instead, like cook dinner for me and run bathwater for me. Can anyone else see the twisted thing he's doing to me? Am I really just crazy? To me, it seems like he's psychologically torturing me. Like he's kissing me while quietly stabbing me in the chest, telling me he loves me as he rips my heart out.
He was genuinely shocked that this whole thing upset me. It's like he was thinking, "Why is she so upset about this? This should make her happy." Like I was being indignant. I feel like I'm on a one-way train to crazy town. Have I really lost my mind? Would this make other people, mainly women, happy? It's like he and I are two aliens who don't get why the other doesn't get pleasure from the things that we get pleasure from.
I'm so totally confused. I don't even know what's right anymore.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Inevitable End
So... I've always known, since the beginning, that there would be an end. I didn't count on it being so soon though. Interesting how technology can speed up the process.
I had put a simple status update on Facebook. He had been angry with me all day and was also letting it out on my oldest daughter. He was complaining to me about dog hair getting all over him when he was playing on the floor with the kids. The status update was: Sandy Hollingsworth Morgan has way too much dog hair all over her house. The very first comment listed was: Jeris Morgan... clean it up pig!
It felt like the straw that broke the camels back. I almost had a physical feeling of being punched in the stomach. I've been enduring mistreatment for years now. I deal with the never-ending stream of ridicule in my home. Which, despite occurring in front of the children, feels somewhat private. But, online? Where all of my friends and family and acquaintances can see it? It was just too much! And to drop this bomb to all of my classmates the night before our 15 year reunion? As if high school wasn't bad enough!
I've also known, since the beginning, that this would not end amicably. I knew he would try to fight me for the kids. Because, I'm the bad influence on them, you know. Apparently, a clean house is a free ticket into heaven. So much so, that it supersedes treating your wife and step-child horribly for years. I missed that part of the bible, I guess.
What really sucks about all of this is that I have to go about it all sneakily. I don't like that. I don't like having to go behind his back and worry that I will get caught and thus, caught off guard. I also have to figure out how to get him out of the house. That may be the most difficult task of all. I figure a few months without sex will drive him out. It's non-confrontational, and ridiculously easy for me to do.
The unfortunate part about all of this is that I will probably not be able to finish school. Yet another dream that will not be realized. I probably won't be a college graduate. Such is life. You may be wondering why I'm saying I won't be able to finish school. If you were a judge, and you listened to a custody case where the husband earnestly wants to keep his kids and can support them and the wife earnestly wants to keep her kids but can't support them, who would you choose?
Also, the problem with fighting with him is that he doesn't fight fair. This is a man who, during a previous "break-up" stole my car (my only source of transportation for myself and three kids) from the middle of a busy parking lot when it had a steering wheel lock on it, in the dead of winter. A man who changed the locks on our house that we bought together while I was gone for a few hours with all my kids inside who could hear me crying outside to let me in. When I arrived with the police the next morning, he lied through his teeth to them stating that I just "left my kids there about a month ago." Much to his dismay though, he still had the bag from Menards with the receipt in it for the lock dated the day before which I promptly showed the police. Yeah, to say he fights dirty would be an understatement.
Just writing that reminds me of how much I don't want to revisit those days. Why can't he just leave with his tail between his legs and leave me alone? I really don't want all the fighting that is bound to ensue. I really don't want the kids to have to go through this. A decent guy would just go. But, he is far from decent. Where he remotely close to decent, this may not be the end.
Then I wonder to myself, am I over-reacting? Did he possibly just not fully comprehend the magnitude of his insult? Sadly, it is possible. He does not think very far out of himself. He does not consider how things may affect others. He is simple, in that aspect. Though I'm sure there are ways to take advantage of this fact. His lack of seeing outside himself is precisely what could, potentially, make him stronger in battle. He holds no punches. He's always looking out for number one. He is completely unaffected by how his actions could affect others, even his children. If he thinks he's right, then he is. Nothing and no one could change his mind. In fact, this is the exact trait in him that lead to our downfall.
Aside from all of this, there is God that I will have to deal with also. Despite my best efforts to find a good reference regarding allowance of divorce, I'm only able to find the whole "divorce is acceptable in there is infidelity" verse. Though it is entirely possible that he has been unfaithful, I've got no evidence. He has been unfaithful in the past, but that was before we were man and wife. If you go by the adages; "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" and "once a cheater, always a cheater" then it has most definitely happened. Again, lack of evidence could cause a lot of problems.
I am sure that God does not intend for me to be miserable for my whole life. I know that God loves me. I know He has a plan for me. My problem is that I never know if what I hear when I pray is Him. I am relatively new to my faith. I do not know how to decipher or hear the messages he may be sending me. My intention is to get closer to some of the other people at my church and let them teach me about this new found relationship that I am in. Luckily for me, they are all genuine, warm, kind, loving people.
In the meantime, I have to pretend that I have no intentions of leaving and I am a loving wife. This is the part I really hate. I feel like I have to be more conniving than he can be. Like it's survival of the fittest. I have to put my game face on and not let him in on what I'm planning. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. What if I prepare myself for battle and there isn't one? What if his final addition of insult to injury is that he chooses not to fight? All of the pointless planning and stomach churning intentional deception for nothing. If was were smart, that would be the way to defeat me. However, his track record proves that he is not that smart.
I'm partly excited, partly terrified. It will be nice to not have his dark cloud over me all the time, unfortunately, it will still be there some of the time for the rest of my life. The kids will be the unbilical cord for it to travel on. But that's not what terrifies me. What really scares me is that I will be the only one here. No conversations with anyone other than children, whether they be good or bad. No one to keep me safe. No one to hold me. No one to pick me up if I fall. Despite the fact that we have gotten to the point that we strongly dislike each other, we did have good times. And I always felt safe with him from outside harm. I will be alone. To me, that's the worst feeling in the world.
Obviously, I will be with my children and, therefore, not completely alone. I will be without another. I fear that I will never find another. Would you want a twice divorced mother of four who lacks all trust in humans? And what kind of conundrum is that? I desire to be with someone, yet I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I'm not talking physical desire. As most busy moms know, very often, the last thing we think about is sex. I don't foresee that as being my issue. It's the companionship I desire, as can clearly be seen by my previous posts. This is the one thing that I feel and fear I will never find again.
In a sense, it's as though I'm dying. I'm escaping a hell that no one should have to live, but on the brink of another that far too many do endure. It's like switching out one ring of Dante's Inferno for another. Which do I prefer more? The constant berating peppered by the occasional feeling of companionship? Or the lack of companionship all together with non of the berating? Were it not for my kids, I wouldn't even make that decision, I would chose the third option of completely escaping life. So, for my kids, I will chose loneliness. I do feel that, all things considered, this is the best option.
Perhaps one day, I will find someone. Strangely, the hope for that to happen saddens me even more. Because what if he never comes? What if there really isn't anyone out there for me? There probably isn't. Because, anyone that can crack the thick shell around me is probably a huge liar anyway. If someone were to know the right words to say and the right way to act, they'd have to be a professional. And given the type of men I'm attracted to, they have no intention of following through on any of their promises. Am I being cynical? Pessimistic maybe? More like hurt beyond repair. I'm thoroughly broken. Men don't have patience for that. Too bad I don't like women! All of my problems would be solved.
I'm tired now. All of this introspection has depleted my already low supply of energy. I start school tomorrow and I'm not even sure if I should care. Why bother? This will probably be my last semester ever, if I even make it through the whole thing. Fall is coming and it usually ushers in far more nastiness from him than any other season. Every fall that we've been together has been the breaking point for us. Every time we've "broken up" it's been in the fall. Every time we have a gigantic falling out, it's in the fall. So, even though it's always been my favorite season because of the anticipation of the holidays and the beauty of nature, it's also the one that brings about the most unhappiness for me...
I had put a simple status update on Facebook. He had been angry with me all day and was also letting it out on my oldest daughter. He was complaining to me about dog hair getting all over him when he was playing on the floor with the kids. The status update was: Sandy Hollingsworth Morgan has way too much dog hair all over her house. The very first comment listed was: Jeris Morgan... clean it up pig!
It felt like the straw that broke the camels back. I almost had a physical feeling of being punched in the stomach. I've been enduring mistreatment for years now. I deal with the never-ending stream of ridicule in my home. Which, despite occurring in front of the children, feels somewhat private. But, online? Where all of my friends and family and acquaintances can see it? It was just too much! And to drop this bomb to all of my classmates the night before our 15 year reunion? As if high school wasn't bad enough!
I've also known, since the beginning, that this would not end amicably. I knew he would try to fight me for the kids. Because, I'm the bad influence on them, you know. Apparently, a clean house is a free ticket into heaven. So much so, that it supersedes treating your wife and step-child horribly for years. I missed that part of the bible, I guess.
What really sucks about all of this is that I have to go about it all sneakily. I don't like that. I don't like having to go behind his back and worry that I will get caught and thus, caught off guard. I also have to figure out how to get him out of the house. That may be the most difficult task of all. I figure a few months without sex will drive him out. It's non-confrontational, and ridiculously easy for me to do.
The unfortunate part about all of this is that I will probably not be able to finish school. Yet another dream that will not be realized. I probably won't be a college graduate. Such is life. You may be wondering why I'm saying I won't be able to finish school. If you were a judge, and you listened to a custody case where the husband earnestly wants to keep his kids and can support them and the wife earnestly wants to keep her kids but can't support them, who would you choose?
Also, the problem with fighting with him is that he doesn't fight fair. This is a man who, during a previous "break-up" stole my car (my only source of transportation for myself and three kids) from the middle of a busy parking lot when it had a steering wheel lock on it, in the dead of winter. A man who changed the locks on our house that we bought together while I was gone for a few hours with all my kids inside who could hear me crying outside to let me in. When I arrived with the police the next morning, he lied through his teeth to them stating that I just "left my kids there about a month ago." Much to his dismay though, he still had the bag from Menards with the receipt in it for the lock dated the day before which I promptly showed the police. Yeah, to say he fights dirty would be an understatement.
Just writing that reminds me of how much I don't want to revisit those days. Why can't he just leave with his tail between his legs and leave me alone? I really don't want all the fighting that is bound to ensue. I really don't want the kids to have to go through this. A decent guy would just go. But, he is far from decent. Where he remotely close to decent, this may not be the end.
Then I wonder to myself, am I over-reacting? Did he possibly just not fully comprehend the magnitude of his insult? Sadly, it is possible. He does not think very far out of himself. He does not consider how things may affect others. He is simple, in that aspect. Though I'm sure there are ways to take advantage of this fact. His lack of seeing outside himself is precisely what could, potentially, make him stronger in battle. He holds no punches. He's always looking out for number one. He is completely unaffected by how his actions could affect others, even his children. If he thinks he's right, then he is. Nothing and no one could change his mind. In fact, this is the exact trait in him that lead to our downfall.
Aside from all of this, there is God that I will have to deal with also. Despite my best efforts to find a good reference regarding allowance of divorce, I'm only able to find the whole "divorce is acceptable in there is infidelity" verse. Though it is entirely possible that he has been unfaithful, I've got no evidence. He has been unfaithful in the past, but that was before we were man and wife. If you go by the adages; "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" and "once a cheater, always a cheater" then it has most definitely happened. Again, lack of evidence could cause a lot of problems.
I am sure that God does not intend for me to be miserable for my whole life. I know that God loves me. I know He has a plan for me. My problem is that I never know if what I hear when I pray is Him. I am relatively new to my faith. I do not know how to decipher or hear the messages he may be sending me. My intention is to get closer to some of the other people at my church and let them teach me about this new found relationship that I am in. Luckily for me, they are all genuine, warm, kind, loving people.
In the meantime, I have to pretend that I have no intentions of leaving and I am a loving wife. This is the part I really hate. I feel like I have to be more conniving than he can be. Like it's survival of the fittest. I have to put my game face on and not let him in on what I'm planning. My stomach hurts just thinking about it. What if I prepare myself for battle and there isn't one? What if his final addition of insult to injury is that he chooses not to fight? All of the pointless planning and stomach churning intentional deception for nothing. If was were smart, that would be the way to defeat me. However, his track record proves that he is not that smart.
I'm partly excited, partly terrified. It will be nice to not have his dark cloud over me all the time, unfortunately, it will still be there some of the time for the rest of my life. The kids will be the unbilical cord for it to travel on. But that's not what terrifies me. What really scares me is that I will be the only one here. No conversations with anyone other than children, whether they be good or bad. No one to keep me safe. No one to hold me. No one to pick me up if I fall. Despite the fact that we have gotten to the point that we strongly dislike each other, we did have good times. And I always felt safe with him from outside harm. I will be alone. To me, that's the worst feeling in the world.
Obviously, I will be with my children and, therefore, not completely alone. I will be without another. I fear that I will never find another. Would you want a twice divorced mother of four who lacks all trust in humans? And what kind of conundrum is that? I desire to be with someone, yet I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. I'm not talking physical desire. As most busy moms know, very often, the last thing we think about is sex. I don't foresee that as being my issue. It's the companionship I desire, as can clearly be seen by my previous posts. This is the one thing that I feel and fear I will never find again.
In a sense, it's as though I'm dying. I'm escaping a hell that no one should have to live, but on the brink of another that far too many do endure. It's like switching out one ring of Dante's Inferno for another. Which do I prefer more? The constant berating peppered by the occasional feeling of companionship? Or the lack of companionship all together with non of the berating? Were it not for my kids, I wouldn't even make that decision, I would chose the third option of completely escaping life. So, for my kids, I will chose loneliness. I do feel that, all things considered, this is the best option.
Perhaps one day, I will find someone. Strangely, the hope for that to happen saddens me even more. Because what if he never comes? What if there really isn't anyone out there for me? There probably isn't. Because, anyone that can crack the thick shell around me is probably a huge liar anyway. If someone were to know the right words to say and the right way to act, they'd have to be a professional. And given the type of men I'm attracted to, they have no intention of following through on any of their promises. Am I being cynical? Pessimistic maybe? More like hurt beyond repair. I'm thoroughly broken. Men don't have patience for that. Too bad I don't like women! All of my problems would be solved.
I'm tired now. All of this introspection has depleted my already low supply of energy. I start school tomorrow and I'm not even sure if I should care. Why bother? This will probably be my last semester ever, if I even make it through the whole thing. Fall is coming and it usually ushers in far more nastiness from him than any other season. Every fall that we've been together has been the breaking point for us. Every time we've "broken up" it's been in the fall. Every time we have a gigantic falling out, it's in the fall. So, even though it's always been my favorite season because of the anticipation of the holidays and the beauty of nature, it's also the one that brings about the most unhappiness for me...
Monday, June 15, 2009
I'm Only One Person
But I have to do the work and carry the stress of 50.
House isn't clean enough?
Dinner's not good enough?
Kids aren't quiet enough?
I'm not good enough?
I really and truly don't know how much more I can endure. Why am I crying at my computer screen? Why do I only feel like I want to give up? Why do I know I can be happy, but can't be?
If I only had love, I could make it through anything. That's the one, indispensable thing he could provide, but chooses to, instead, berate and blame. AND challenge my religious beliefs in front of my children. To prove I believe in Jesus, I have to quit smoking... What is that? Because he could quit by asking God to help. Therefore, I must not really believe that God can help me, otherwise I would've quit by now.
In addition to that, it's also my fault that there's not enough money in the house. You see, I could be working between the hours of 2pm and 7pm Sunday through Thursday and Friday and Saturday nights at a rate of at least $15 an hour in between caring for the kids, maintaining the house, trying to improve his website with a program I don't know and trying to get this schoolwork done by July 1st so I don't get an F. Why am I not working to help with the bills? I must have, at some point in time, told him I'm super girl and I haven't lived up to the reputation.
Why do I feel like I'm working for nothing? The kids fight incessantly. My husband thinks I'm the worst wife/mother in the world. My house is never clean enough. I'm lazy. I have accomplished nothing in life other than creating yet another dysfunctional family with unruly children. I'm a piece of shit! Why do I get up every morning again? Oh yeah, because I'm a die-hard optimist who thinks things will be better today than they were yesterday. They never are! Some days are okay, but rarely great.
I suppose it's the conundrum of the human psyche which is the cause for the yearning for each one of those great days, which then, in turn, makes me even want to get out of bed in the morning. It's almost like an addiction. You know? The alcoholic keeps trying to make it to work so that he can afford to buy the liquor that helps him escape the tortures his job put him through. The gambler keeps going to the casino to get that winner's high despite the destruction it causes in their relationship with their husband who they are trying to win money to buy nice things for.
And so, the miserable, lonely, neglected, unappreciated, unloved wife continues to get out of bed every morning to try to make the family happy so that she can be happy and have one of those ever-elusive great days. Since I am a sane individual, shouldn't I be able to look at those comparisons and see what my life has become and stop it? No, because I have the real world to contend with.
The fact of the matter is that I have nothing if I leave. My kids will be miserable and sad. I have nowhere to live. The kids like it here. I have no money. And he will fight me for everything, including my kids. I really don't care about the furniture or the computers or any of the belongings we've acquired since being together. All I care about is my kids. Not only would he do everything in his power to get them from me and succeed, he would also want child-support, which I clearly couldn't provide right now. I would be forced to quit school and get another crap job that won't pay me what I'm worth and will treat me as though I'm dispensable and will cause me a ridiculous amount of stress. All so that I can pay him to pay someone else to raise them.
It's almost an ironic, cruel joke that God has played on me wherein I love my kids with all of my soul, but they drive me up the wall. I would emotionally die if they were taken from me, but I would revel in the silence they left behind. At the exact same moment that I would feel elated at the quiet I would have a strong and painful twinge of guilt in my gut for feeling elation.
So, I'm left with the same feeling that I had at the beginning of this writing, utter hopelessness.
Thanks for reading.
House isn't clean enough?
Dinner's not good enough?
Kids aren't quiet enough?
I'm not good enough?
I really and truly don't know how much more I can endure. Why am I crying at my computer screen? Why do I only feel like I want to give up? Why do I know I can be happy, but can't be?
If I only had love, I could make it through anything. That's the one, indispensable thing he could provide, but chooses to, instead, berate and blame. AND challenge my religious beliefs in front of my children. To prove I believe in Jesus, I have to quit smoking... What is that? Because he could quit by asking God to help. Therefore, I must not really believe that God can help me, otherwise I would've quit by now.
In addition to that, it's also my fault that there's not enough money in the house. You see, I could be working between the hours of 2pm and 7pm Sunday through Thursday and Friday and Saturday nights at a rate of at least $15 an hour in between caring for the kids, maintaining the house, trying to improve his website with a program I don't know and trying to get this schoolwork done by July 1st so I don't get an F. Why am I not working to help with the bills? I must have, at some point in time, told him I'm super girl and I haven't lived up to the reputation.
Why do I feel like I'm working for nothing? The kids fight incessantly. My husband thinks I'm the worst wife/mother in the world. My house is never clean enough. I'm lazy. I have accomplished nothing in life other than creating yet another dysfunctional family with unruly children. I'm a piece of shit! Why do I get up every morning again? Oh yeah, because I'm a die-hard optimist who thinks things will be better today than they were yesterday. They never are! Some days are okay, but rarely great.
I suppose it's the conundrum of the human psyche which is the cause for the yearning for each one of those great days, which then, in turn, makes me even want to get out of bed in the morning. It's almost like an addiction. You know? The alcoholic keeps trying to make it to work so that he can afford to buy the liquor that helps him escape the tortures his job put him through. The gambler keeps going to the casino to get that winner's high despite the destruction it causes in their relationship with their husband who they are trying to win money to buy nice things for.
And so, the miserable, lonely, neglected, unappreciated, unloved wife continues to get out of bed every morning to try to make the family happy so that she can be happy and have one of those ever-elusive great days. Since I am a sane individual, shouldn't I be able to look at those comparisons and see what my life has become and stop it? No, because I have the real world to contend with.
The fact of the matter is that I have nothing if I leave. My kids will be miserable and sad. I have nowhere to live. The kids like it here. I have no money. And he will fight me for everything, including my kids. I really don't care about the furniture or the computers or any of the belongings we've acquired since being together. All I care about is my kids. Not only would he do everything in his power to get them from me and succeed, he would also want child-support, which I clearly couldn't provide right now. I would be forced to quit school and get another crap job that won't pay me what I'm worth and will treat me as though I'm dispensable and will cause me a ridiculous amount of stress. All so that I can pay him to pay someone else to raise them.
It's almost an ironic, cruel joke that God has played on me wherein I love my kids with all of my soul, but they drive me up the wall. I would emotionally die if they were taken from me, but I would revel in the silence they left behind. At the exact same moment that I would feel elated at the quiet I would have a strong and painful twinge of guilt in my gut for feeling elation.
So, I'm left with the same feeling that I had at the beginning of this writing, utter hopelessness.
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Stupid School
During class today, I had to keep myself from suffering a panic attack. Final next week! I'm not ready!
Driving home, I'm thinking about all of the things I have to get done in the next week, let alone the next two weeks. There's not enough time! I have to create a website from scratch, I have to write a 5-year career plan and upload it to an e-folio site, I have to finish three assignments, do 5 tests, do 2 quizzes, read a textbook front to back before that class final in two weeks, and complete another assignment and final study guide by next week!
I have to complete all of this in addition to taking care of my 6 month old niece during the day, helping kids with homework at night, making meals, cleaning the house, doing laundry and trying to fit in at least one shower every couple of days.
Mind you, all of this would be a lot easier if my husband would do what he needs to do to heal his foot so he can help a little. He's off work for two months, but that does me no good since he can barely sit, let alone stand and do work.
My brain aches, my body aches, I'm ridiculously tired due to the fact that hubby is off of work and is still on his night-owl work schedule, thus preventing me from getting a good nights rest. I don't know how I will do all of this.
I find that I sometimes panic, uncontrollably, about the amount of things I need to get done. It's almost debilitating. Yet, here I am, trying to focus by writing it all out. I'm not doing the homework or the many quizzes and tests that I should be doing. I feel rather disheartened about my choice for school, at this point. I'm not sure that I can hack computer stuff. I'm also not crazy about them either. I feel out of my league in class.
I can't stop now though. The agreement was that I would go to school so that I could get the degree and skills needed to perform a high paying job that would facilitate my hubby being able to quit his job and stay home with the kids. I can't think of any other career than computers where I could go in and make the same kind of money he makes.
I don't want to do computer stuff. What will inevitably end up happening is that I will finish school and get my degree and get a job that I hate and am stuck doing forever because I will be too old and depended upon by my family to go to school again to gain another set of skills.
If I could really just figure out what I want to really be when I grow up, that would help. I really like anthropology and astrology and writing. Unfortunately, none of those fields are family friendly and high paying. Not to mention the fact that if I really would want to be taken seriously in any of those fields, I'd have to have at least a four year degree and it's hard enough getting a two year degree.
Times like this make me realize how much I messed up in life. There's a reason why we are raised with the idea that you go to school (college), meet someone there, graduate from college, get a successful job, get married, buy a house, have kids. It's that order for a reason. Why did it take me until the age of 33 to realize this? Now that it's too late. Now that I'm stuck within the life I unknowingly created for myself.
So, now what? I'm in an unsure marriage, with four kids, going to school for something I don't even want to do so that I can make my life better? How does that work? How could I have dug such a deep hole for myself? An even better question is how could I let it all go so wrong for so long? Why do I continue to go through this with the idea that there will be a happy ending? Who's creating that happy ending for me?
ARGH
Driving home, I'm thinking about all of the things I have to get done in the next week, let alone the next two weeks. There's not enough time! I have to create a website from scratch, I have to write a 5-year career plan and upload it to an e-folio site, I have to finish three assignments, do 5 tests, do 2 quizzes, read a textbook front to back before that class final in two weeks, and complete another assignment and final study guide by next week!
I have to complete all of this in addition to taking care of my 6 month old niece during the day, helping kids with homework at night, making meals, cleaning the house, doing laundry and trying to fit in at least one shower every couple of days.
Mind you, all of this would be a lot easier if my husband would do what he needs to do to heal his foot so he can help a little. He's off work for two months, but that does me no good since he can barely sit, let alone stand and do work.
My brain aches, my body aches, I'm ridiculously tired due to the fact that hubby is off of work and is still on his night-owl work schedule, thus preventing me from getting a good nights rest. I don't know how I will do all of this.
I find that I sometimes panic, uncontrollably, about the amount of things I need to get done. It's almost debilitating. Yet, here I am, trying to focus by writing it all out. I'm not doing the homework or the many quizzes and tests that I should be doing. I feel rather disheartened about my choice for school, at this point. I'm not sure that I can hack computer stuff. I'm also not crazy about them either. I feel out of my league in class.
I can't stop now though. The agreement was that I would go to school so that I could get the degree and skills needed to perform a high paying job that would facilitate my hubby being able to quit his job and stay home with the kids. I can't think of any other career than computers where I could go in and make the same kind of money he makes.
I don't want to do computer stuff. What will inevitably end up happening is that I will finish school and get my degree and get a job that I hate and am stuck doing forever because I will be too old and depended upon by my family to go to school again to gain another set of skills.
If I could really just figure out what I want to really be when I grow up, that would help. I really like anthropology and astrology and writing. Unfortunately, none of those fields are family friendly and high paying. Not to mention the fact that if I really would want to be taken seriously in any of those fields, I'd have to have at least a four year degree and it's hard enough getting a two year degree.
Times like this make me realize how much I messed up in life. There's a reason why we are raised with the idea that you go to school (college), meet someone there, graduate from college, get a successful job, get married, buy a house, have kids. It's that order for a reason. Why did it take me until the age of 33 to realize this? Now that it's too late. Now that I'm stuck within the life I unknowingly created for myself.
So, now what? I'm in an unsure marriage, with four kids, going to school for something I don't even want to do so that I can make my life better? How does that work? How could I have dug such a deep hole for myself? An even better question is how could I let it all go so wrong for so long? Why do I continue to go through this with the idea that there will be a happy ending? Who's creating that happy ending for me?
ARGH
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Just Throw 'Em On The Pile
As if being a stay at home mother of four and a full time student weren't enough....
I've decided to babysit for my sister during the day. Today we added an almost six-month-old and when summer vacation begins, there will also be a six-year-old.
To this I say: "Just throw 'em on the pile!"
My only issue now is how will I get all my homework done? I'm already having a hard enough time as it is! I've promised my instructor to have two weeks of homework and the corresponding quizzes done today! Guess that's not going to get done! I just hate failing. I always have. The crazier part is that I'm a master procrastinator!
What will inevitably end up happening is that I will do bits and pieces throughout the day, which will probably amount to one assignment, then, after the kids are in bed, I will plow through the rest by midnight. Then, it will take me an hour and a half to settle down enough to get to sleep. Then I have to get up at 7 am. Getting up early in the morning is a new priority, again, since the baby gets here at about 7:30 am.
It's funny how quickly we forget how much work babies really are. My youngest is 3 and I forgot about the constant need for something that a baby has. Either it's a diaper or hunger or sleep or gas. It's really a never ending cycle. And an exhausting one, at that. I'm ready for a nap and it's only 1 pm. Unfortunately, this baby takes mini-naps throughout the day. Grown-ups call them power naps. I would indulge, however, it takes me 20 minutes just to fall asleep!
This will be a rough day indeed. I will make it through though, again, I don't have a choice.
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